Buhari's Return: Matters Arising by Reuben Abati

As someone who has been in that corridor recently, I do not share the view of those who insist that President Muhammadu Buhari’s recent 50-day medical vacation was mismanaged by his  handlers, up to this point. I said this much during a recent interview on Channels TV’s Politics Today with Seun Okinbaloye.

In the face of the people’s rising and insatiable expectations, it is often an uphill task to balance so many considerations in a country that is so divided on all fronts.  The duty of the President’s handlers is to prevent such unnecessary news that could destabilize the polity, or create a national security crisis.

The President occupies the most important office in a democracy such as ours because the people look up to that office and its occupier for strength, inspiration and confidence.  When a President suddenly takes ill, the implications for politics, power play and national security are far-reaching. I have already dealt with the manner in which this is so, in an earlier article online, titled  “From London to Abuja in 50 days: Buhari’s return”.

What is the general complaint? It is this: that the nature and the seriousness of whatever ails the President is deliberately shielded from the public. This has resulted in a lot of speculations, and anxiety. A Professor of Medicine, Femi Williams, became so concerned he began to diagnose the President’s ailment by just looking at commonplace photographs. His latest contribution is that looking at the President since he arrived, he seems to be suffering from anaemia.

The Man Who Sat On The Tor Tiv’s Throne By Reuben Abati

This is about Stephen Nyitse, the young man who on the day of the coronation of the new Tor Tiv managed to beat security and went straight to where the king’s coronation seat, stool, throne had been placed and sat on it. We are told this caused a stir, and not a few in the crowd must have shouted: “abomination!”,  Even the President of the Pentecostal Fellowship of Nigeria, Benue branch, Bishop Mike Angou considered Nyitse’s action sacrilegious. He went to the seat, to anoint and rededicate it. Bishop Angou’s intervention obviously was meant to cast out whatever demons Nyitse must have inflicted on the already consecrated kingship throne. It is possible also that the ordinary people in attendance and the chiefs of Tivland interpreted it as a bad omen. Africans including the educated live in a world of spirits, demons and magic. Every act or gesture among them, is considered spiritual or religious.
     The other side of it has to do with social hierarchy and customs. Our social life is heavily stratified. People are expected to know their place. Young persons are not supposed to disrespect or question elders.  Wisdom is necessarily attached to old age, even if that is definitely untrue. Women are expected to submit to men, and that remains the case for all women in many of our communities. The poor are expected to worship the rich. Employees are expected to be loyal obedient servants.
      This is the content of our socialization in traditional communities, during the colonial period and even long after colonialism. When we were growing up, there were many things that were taken as normal that would today look absolutely ridiculous to our children.  Children were not expected to talk back to their parents: if you did that, you could earn many strokes of the cane.  In many families, whenever the father of the house was at home, nobody would try to be assertive, and any news that Daddy was returning from work would send both the children and their mother scampering in all directions.

The Nigeria-Prays-For-Buhari Competition By Reuben Abati

After the publication of my column last week, titled “I want to go to London… to see Buhari”, I received a lot of feedback from persons who were either amused or dead serious that they had been overlooked in my compilation of the list of persons who should go to London. One fellow asked:
“Abati, you left out the Miyetti Allah and the cattle herders of Nigeria.”
“Excuse me?”
“Yes, they too will like to go to London”
“With due respect, to go and herd cattle?”
“No, to visit the President and reassure him about the welfare of his cattle”
“My friend, are we talking about cattle or the health of Mr. President?”
“We are talking about everything and anything that can ensure the President’s speedy recover.”
“Speedy recovery!”
“Speedy recover!”
“My friend, it is speedy recovery, not speedy recover!”

I want to go to London...by Reuben Abati

When 15 million plus Nigerians voted for President Muhammadu Buhari in the 2015 General elections, their expectation was that he would be available to serve them 24/7/365, and that those who fielded him as their candidate had done their home work to avoid what is curiously becoming the Katsina problem in Nigerian politics.  Katsina! But we have now found ourselves in a situation whereby our President is now in London, for more than one month sir, ma, and we are here, and we have an acting President, who according to everybody, including the extremists and the mischievous, and the politically partisan, is beginning to try his best, with his admirers, now praying for the worst. 

    For that reason alone, we have an emotionally, politically and spiritually divided country on our hands. Don’t mind what they tell you, and don’t deceive yourself, the Nigerian Presidency is in turmoil. It is not our wish. It is not what the voters asked for. But that is how democracy works. You cannot predict the results that democracy produces.  Not even in America. Or Russia.

Donald Trump and the Muslim World by Reuben Abati

I am not a fan of Donald Trump, the incumbent President of the United States. I didn’t stand with him. I stood with her- Hillary Clinton- in the last US Presidential election. No other election in recent American history has been more international in terms of interest and emotional involvement. Trump’s election even divided the Nigerian middle class.  Majority of Christians in Nigeria stood with Donald Trump. They liked his anti-Muslim rhetoric, and in a country where religion is such a volatile subject and the Christian community feels as if it is under siege from radical Islamic extremism, it was easy for a category of Nigerians to see Trump’s politics being in sync with their own fears and expectations. 

      Pro-secessionist, Biafran and Christian protesters in the South East also supported Trump. On his Inauguration Day, they organized a rally, some of them were killed, in the process, by Nigerian security agents.  It is always so easy to read American politics into every other politics globally because of America’s status as a superior power and the global dominance of its culture.  Many Nigerians who opposed Hillary Clinton of the Democratic Party also did so, for example, for partisan reasons, because they felt the Democratic administration of President Barrack Obama was responsible in many ways for the outcome of the 2015 Presidential election in Nigeria. They wanted a pound of flesh – they wanted the Democrats out of the White House, the same way the PDP exited Aso Villa. The funny thing is that Nigerians who do not hold American citizenship, were not in a position to vote in the US election, but this didn’t deter us from weeping more than the Americans. In my case, I opposed Trump because I consider him a vile, navel-gazing, crude, child-like nativist, whose Presidency could pose a threat to the free world.

Once Upon a Time in Gambia by Reuben Abati

I have very vivid memories of my last visit to The Gambia. This was in 2013 when President Goodluck Jonathan paid a two-day visit to the country.  In the course of that visit, President Jonathan commissioned the new Chancery of the Nigerian Embassy in Banjul, and also met with the Nigerian community, in addition to the usual bilateral meetings. Nigeria and The Gambia have very strong cultural and diplomatic relations.

       We were quartered at a very nice, hospitable sea-side hotel, the Coco Ocean Resort. One of the first things I noticed was the large population of female tourists, lounging by the pool-side and the sea-side, with biceps-wielding, six-packs-flaunting young dark-skinned men on the prowl, with gigolo-ish gait and mien. A female member of our entourage who had gone to the restaurant alone, later returned - visibly shaken and alarmed and what was her problem: one of the male ushers in the hotel had asked her if she would need a man to keep her company so she could have a real taste of Gambian hospitality. 

MMM, Sambisa And The Boy Died By Reuben Abati

"Happy New Year, my brother" "What do you mean happy new year, more than two weeks into the New Year. Have I not been in touch with you since January 1?" "But for you the New Year has just started. Your January 1 was not on January 1" "Looks like you have started taking something. I must inform your wife."

"I say Happy New Year to you."

"Okay, same to you."

"You think I don't know what you have been going through? Your wife told me you have not been yourself since those Mavrodi Mundia Moneybox people suspended their scheme. She specifically asked me to keep an eye on you.  But we thank God the MMM is back, 24 hours earlier than they promised.  Now, you can get your money back."

"My brother, it is a lo-n-g story. This MMM thing has become a case of the more you hear, the less you understand. And to think I invested my children's education savings. Everything."

"What is the problem again? I hear you can get your money back, and MMM says they are ready to change the world."

"I don't know about changing the world, but let them change my sadness to joy by just returning my money, but now they say they can only pay a small amount per day and that those who invested big money like me should wait."

"How much did you invest?"

"If I tell you the figure, you will know that the year is not new at all."

"Tell me."

"So you can go and tell your wife and your wife can tell my wife and the three of you can tell everybody. I just pray MMM does not mess me up, otherwise all of you won't have anything to gossip about when you start looking for a casket."  

"Is it that bad?  Please don't let it get to that stage. But I can assure you, if they mess you up, I will sue the hell out of them. I will get lawyers and sue them to court."

"You will defend my rights after I am dead? Now, I see you are a very good friend indeed."

"I am just trying to help. I almost invested in the MMM myself."

"Let me ask you something.  What is a bitcoin?"

"Not too sure."

"MMM says they will pay with bitcoins. I invested with Naira. They say they will pay me with coins, not with dollars, but coins. Ore mi, gba mi. Se kinni yi o ti fe di one chance bayi? And yet they are saying they want to change my world. Government should intervene and monitor the whole thing."

"I won't consider MMM the business of government."

"Everything that has to do with the welfare of a citizen is the business of government."

"If you decide to go and invest your money with money-doublers, why should government be bothered?"

"Government cannot allow anybody to spread frustration in any form. MMM should give me my money, not coins."

"By the way, we should find out what a bitcoin is? We learn everyday."

"I didn't invest for research purposes. I invested for profit purposes."   

"But suppose the bitcoin is even better than the Naira. Somebody told me that bitcoin is a cryptocurrency, although he didn't quite explain."

"Ha. I am in trouble. So, I now have to carry dictionary over this MMM matter. Even a crypto something is now better than the Naira. God, pity your servants!"

"Just calm down.  We have enough people dying everyday. Don't join the list. I am sure everything will be sorted out. While you are killing yourself over MMM, are you aware that some Nigerians are already investing in another Ponzi scheme?"

"What is that one?"

"It is called Swissgolden. They offer gold or cash profit."

"I don't want to hear about it. And you say government should not get involved? We are almost becoming a nation of desperate money-doublers."

"Government should worry about more serious things, except of course someone sets out to commit a crime."

"Nothing can be more serious."

"Like the Southern Kaduna killings, for example"

"That is sad. Ethnic and religious violence has been a source of threat to Nigeria's corporate existence. We need to build a nation first."

 "The Catholic Church says the casualty figure in Southern Kaduna so far is about 808.  Over 1, 422 houses, 16 churches, 19 shops and one primary school have been destroyed.  The challenge is how to prevent these things."

"Too much politics in everything and that is why ordinary things become big things and so much tragedy is invited. Government must be pro-active."

"That's like saying nothing. I have heard that cliché too many times. The root of our national crisis is much deeper. Oftentimes the people themselves are the problem."

"I hear in the Niger Delta, the people are also threatening to resume hostilities, shut down oil installations and destroy NDDC projects."

"It is not the people. It is the Niger Delta Avengers (NDA) with their 'Operation Walls of Jericho' and the Niger Delta Revolutionary Crusaders (NDRC).  Vice President Yemi Osinbajo has led a delegation to go and talk to them, particularly the Pan-Niger Delta Forum (PANDEF).  I think the resort to dialogue is wise."

"I'll like to see that too in Southern Kaduna, coming from the highest levels and I like the fact that the Federal Government is talking to the Bring Back our Girls Group and that for once they are willing to listen. Before May 2015, that group never wanted to listen to government. Now they are in Sambisa Forest."

"I call it the BBOG Journey to the Sambisa Forest of a Thousand Daemons. When you go to a forest like that, you will have stories to tell."

"I like the strategy. Get the protesters to help government sell its own story. Quite clever."

"What if the strategy back-fires?"

"Oh, come on. It won't."

"You are always cynical. Thank God you are not in Tanzania where media cynicism of any sort is now a crime."

"Under President John Magufuli, the bulldozer? Everyone has been praising him for fighting corruption and administrative opaqueness."

"Magufuli is now bulldozing the media and free speech. Just the other day, he threatened Tanzanian journalists. According to him: 'We will not allow Tanzania to be a dumping yard for inciting content. This will not happen under my administration"

"What?"

"They now have in Tanzania, The Media Services Act of 2016 which gives government officials the powers to shut down media houses and seize their printing machines."

"That is even worse that that Nigerian Decree. Decree… Decree…."

"It is not from my mouth you will hear that one. Just be careful. Magufuli's position is that journalists provoked him with their inciting content."

"What is it with our leaders in Africa? In other words, Magufuli is saying he is a constituted authority."

"Not a…he is the constituted authority."

"One of these days, he too will just say, "Bring that boy here…Leave him…Who do you think you are talking to…I am the constituted authority."

"You are quoting someone else now, not Magufuli."

"African leaders sound alike when it comes to the use and abuse of power. You are right, I am quoting the Governor of Oyo State, Nigeria, Governor Abiola Ajimobi. Students of Ladoke Akintola University of Technology (LAUTECH) provoked him. They had the temerity to remind him that their school had been shut down for eight months. The Governor was so irritated, he sounded as if the students were disturbing him.

"The students were rude. Nigerian students don't respect constituted authority. They don't know how to address power."

"Which authority? Is that why they should be tongue-lashed and shot at by the police?"

"I know the Governor.  One of the students must have said something nasty to him.  I got that much from his daughter's alleged reaction."

"Who is that?"

"The Governor's daughter defending her dad."

"What does she know about a university being shut down for eight months and students having to stay at home because government is suffering from a disease called lack of funds. This democracy sha."  

"Don't worry yourself. It is not an African thing. In the United States, the President-elect's daughter is going to be very powerful in his in-coming government. Her husband, Jared Kushner is already warming up to play a major role, and his only qualification for the job according to the father-in-law is that he is a good lad and a natural talent"

"That Donald Trump. He should stop disturbing everyone with his reckless comments."

"I pray he doesn't cause a Third World War."

"With the way he has been provoking China."

"Everything is under negotiation including One China", says Trump.

"Nobody can negotiate that," says China.

"And Trump picks up his phone and makes a long-distance call to the President of Taiwan, and China says that is a terrible insult"

"Trump definitely thinks his trip to the White House is one of his 'You're fired' episodes. He is busy burning bridges."

"Meanwhile, in Nicaragua…"

"What's happening in Nicaragua?"

"The President has just been sworn in for a third term in office, with his wife as his Vice-President!  A husband and wife Presidency"

"You think that can happen in Nigeria?"

"You are not aware that in some states in Nigeria, family members are the ones who run the government?"  

"Which state?"

"Go and find out for yourself?"

"So, how is our friend, Jim Obazee of the Financial Reporting Council (FRCN)?

"He broke the law"

"He was trying to enforce the law"

"He broke the law of the Psalms. Psalm 105: 15 – "do not touch my anointed ones/And do my prophets no harm." He wanted to use a Governance Code to force men of God to observe term limits."

"You are missing the point."

"And to think he would start implementing the Code from his own church, where he is a pastor, with Daddy G.O. of the Redeemed Church.  So he means charity begins at home."

"You don't get it. Are you recommending nepotism? The whole point of the Code is that when religious groups become business entities, they must pay taxes and respect corporate governance rules."

"Nigeria is a secular state. Government should not dabble into religious matters."

"But government can dabble into the matter of El-Zakzaky and his movement. I beg."

"The Bible says…"

"Yes, I know what the Bible says. Don't bother."

"We should pray for the people of Gambia and the President-elect Adama Barrow who is supposed to be inaugurated as President on January 19. Yahya Jammeh is still insisting he will not step down.  The people are already fleeing the country, Ministers and other government appointees have resigned, the whole world is angry, but Jammeh is sitting tight.

"You know something?"

"What?"

"In the midst of all this, while Adama Barrow is in exile in Senegal waiting for January 19, his eight-year old son was bitten by a dog last Sunday.  He was rushed to the hospital.  The boy died.

"Oh. Oh, Africa."

Nobody comes to Abuja to read by Reuben Abati

I thoroughly enjoyed reading Pius Adesanmi's "A Nigerian, Library and Lawmakers" (Sahara Reporters, December 24). I will like to add a footnote to what he has raised: hopefully, the likely beginning of a useful conversation around the subject of reading, literacy, politician-constituency relationship, and the normative/practical value of knowledge and research in governance.  At the risk of over-simplification, Adesanmi's argument is that Nigerian politicians, unlike their counterparts in Canada and I suppose elsewhere also, do not read. They don't do research. Nigerian legislators don't make use of libraries either for research or for any other purpose.

      The average Nigerian politician does not connect with his constituents at the level of ideas. What drives Nigerian politics is the sharing of cheap envelopes, containing a percentage of stolen funds.  Adesanmi laments in that elegantly comparative piece, but he does not tell us what can be done to get the Nigerian, not just the politician, to return to a culture of reading and research. I'll probably also spend more time in the next paragraphs, lamenting. That is how bad and serious the problem is.

    When I arrived in Abuja in June 2011 to take up appointment as Official Spokesperson and Special Adviser on Media and Publicity to President Goodluck Jonathan, one of my first concerns was how to set up a library at home. It would have been difficult for me to move my libraries (in Lagos and Abeokuta) to Abuja. I needed to set up a new one, focusing majorly on the new assignment and its research requirements.  I made contacts and asked for the big bookshops in town.  I didn't know I was fooling myself. I spent more than a week, driving around the city trying to locate bookshops.  I was told there was a bookshop around the old secretariat in Area One.  When I got there, the most important item on display was stationery and different copies of the Bible from King James's version to the New International edition. I left the place.

       I was then directed a few days later to Odusote Bookshop, Abuja branch. I was excited. Odusote Bookshop used to be a major centre in Ibadan in those days. Together with the CSS bookshop around Oke Bola, and the University of Ibadan bookshop, the Odusote bookshop served the city of Ibadan and its intelligentsia very well. This was before the arrival of Mr Kolade Mosuro's Booksellers Limited in Jericho. I rushed to Odusote Bookshop. What did I find? A shadow. Old, worn out books. The Abuja branch looked like a run-down store. Books have a certain smell. Bibliophiles sometimes go to bookstores just to smell the books, have a feel of the new arrivals section and then take a cup of coffee and go home.  A bookstore is a centre of culture; in London and Washington DC, some of my favourite bookstores truly fit that definition. A dusty, stale bookstore discourages you. I bought a few books from Odusote, but my search around Abuja continued.

     I kept calling persons I thought would know, but no one could really help. Each time I asked for a bookshop and mentioned something about buying books, the conversation always ran into a ditch. The only person who paid attention was Oronto Douglas. He offered to introduce to me a gentleman who would help me set up a library. He would get the books from wherever and deliver them. I only needed to indicate subject areas. I didn't think this was the way to go. I like to choose my own books. I enjoy moving from bookrack to another, engage the booksellers, examine the books the way a pimp checks out a prostitute, before making a purchase. If it is a recommended book, I like the experience of going after the book myself and when it arrives, nothing compares to the exhilaration of a new discovery.   

     I finally found what looked like a book section inside a Supermarket at the Abuja Silverbird Galleria.  I walked round. The best books you could get there were "how to" books, those get-rich-quick-become-a-strate gist-and-an-achiever-in-one-we ek-type-of-publications.  I read such books too, but in this particular bookshop, there was no doubt that the books were dollar-denominated. They were so expensive you'd be busy palpitating while reading the books later, once you remembered the cost. I tried other stores around the city, but these were mostly those stores where books are displayed next to groceries, cosmetics and toiletries. I wanted law books.  I eventually found specialized bookshops, which sell only law books around the FCT High Court and the Corporate Affairs Commission. Building up a law section on my shelves was probably the easiest task.

     I later stumbled on another bookstore at Ceddi Plaza.  It was newly set up by a young man who knew what he was doing and who obviously understood the importance of knowledge. It was a neatly organized bookshop, small, but well-appointed. The fellow had read some of the books himself and he could recommend books of interest. It was always a delight going there to look at new acquisitions. One day, I went back there and found the place boarded off. I asked around. What happened? The bookshop had been transferred to another floor. The owner could no longer afford to pay for the strategic location he had chosen. I found the bookshop in a hidden corner of the Plaza. Six months later, it had disappeared altogether.  The owner's dream died.  The gentleman is probably now busy running a pepper soup joint, a short-time hotel or he is at best, a harried investor in the MMM Ponzi scheme: these are far more profitable enterprises in Nigeria than the selling of books or ideas.  

     One day, someone took me to Biobak Restaurant for lunch, and in between trying to find a parking space, I saw something that looked like Booksellers in a place called City Plaza. I couldn't believe my eyes. I rushed into the place. Booksellers: Abuja branch? It didn't quite look like the big centre in Jericho, Ibadan but I established a relationship with the staff, and throughout my stay in Abuja, they helped me to source any book I wanted, if they could. But for the most part, I bought books from Glendora in Lagos, at the airport outlet and Awolowo Road, and from Amazon (by order) and Waterstones on Oxford Street, London: my favourite spot in London.

      I have gone through this narrative simply to show that in Nigeria's Federal Capital Territory, nobody is interested in books or ideas. Abuja does not even have a public library, digital or analogue, that I know of. And yet it hosts about five universities (!), and just a few kilometres away in neighbouring Nasarawa state, there is another university in Lafia. Abuja is the home/workplace of probably the most important people in Nigeria from lawmakers to the big politicians, but it is also an ideas-person's hell. The first day I went to the bookshop in Area One, the man on duty, sensing my agony, called me aside and told me:

"Oga, are you new in town?"

"Yes"

"The way you are looking for bookshops and books, I can figure it out"

"For me, books are important."

"Oga, take it easy, nobody comes to Abuja to come and read. Everybody is here to make money."

    I was puzzled. He continued:

  "I am telling you. This place is the city of government and contracts. People are looking for contracts and money. This our bookshop, we are just selling stationery and exercise books and religious books that the people will need, because anybody that comes here either has an alfa or a prophet working for them. With time, you will learn. I will advise you to forget about books. Look for contracts, Oga."

     Asking me to forget about books is like asking me to forgo oxygen. But the man was right and Pius Adesanmi put his fingers on it. And it is not simply an Abuja problem. Since the politicians took over governance, they stopped worrying about education, reading, research and ideas. We like to blame the military for everything, but ironically, under military rule, things were not this bad. I wrote my Ph.D thesis in those days visiting a local library in Imo, Abeokuta. It was owned, and managed by the local council as a community library!

      That library was later moved to Ake, just behind the Centenary Hall. When the universities were shut down and we were all sent away, I ended up writing three chapters in that new library. This was in those days when we relied on index cards for research and those secondary school graduates who helped to type our drafts on manual, usually damaged typewriters, often insisted on correcting syntax and punctuation, instead of admitting that their typewriters were either faulty or that they did not understand what they were typing.

     There were libraries in other major cities in Nigeria too.  You could borrow books from the community library and return them later. Local councils built libraries. State governments encouraged reading and even bought books for students. There were national archives, with the most patronized domiciled at the University of Ibadan. In those days, when Nigerian lawmakers stood up to make a contribution in parliament, people listened because they made a lot of sense. They spoke like men and women who could think. Today, things have gone so bad we now have lawmakers who know next to nothing about anything.  They want to ride the most exotic cars that money can buy. They import the prettiest girls from across the globe. They insult women. They don't even know the history of Nigeria.

      Abuja big men and women in fact employ assistants to read newspapers for them! While Abuja has no libraries, standard bookshops, or gentlemen, it is nonetheless very rich in hotels and napoi joints. Hotels have become the new libraries. They are the only places where any form of thinking takes place. As it is in Abuja, so it is in the states, and that is why government at all levels seemingly considers investment in education, an avoidable distraction.  There is an Ake Arts and Book Festival. Before it, there was the Garden City Book Festival in Port Harcourt, but government no longer cares. Reading is anathema to the populace. Nigerians read to pass examinations, thereafter reading is abandoned. We are in the age of goggle-it-intellectuals. 

     Ideas drive and build nations. A country without a positive and deep current of thought is bound to run into crisis.  So it is with Nigeria where the leaders only become animated when they want to share money or play partisan politics. The root of the crisis lies in the recruitment of wrong persons into power.  Try and compare the cabinet list in Singapore with that of Nigeria, for example. The difference is clear. The message is clear. The answer lies in a re-configuration of the leadership recruitment process and the vigilance of civil society insisting on higher values.

Reuben Abati

The Morning after Christmas by Reuben Abati

"How was your Christmas Day?"

"Comme ci, comme ca"

"What's that?"

"I am speaking French. You mean you don't even understand elementary French?"

"No, I don't. Speak English. How was Christmas?"

"Low-key. Like this, like that".

"For me, it was a dead-end Christmas"

"God forbid. May we never have a dead-end Christmas. I reject it in Jesus name."

"If you like, summon the Holy Ghost. We have never had a Christmas like this one. On Christmas eve in Lagos, come and see people just going about, many of them aimlessly. The kind of shopping that heralds Christmas was absent. For the first time, I could see the real colour of sadness, frustration and regret on the people's faces."

"It depends on what part of Lagos you are talking about.  If you had been in Lekki or Victoria Island, you would have seen a different colour."

"I know. There are two countries in one: the real Nigeria and the other Nigeria, where people live in a bubble. But the bubble is beginning to burst everywhere. With the Naira now N500 to the dollar, and businesses failing everyday, the pain is spreading. It was an unusual Christmas."

"Everywhere jus' dry. I know some people who used to hold Christmas parties every December 25.  They just decided to postpone it till next year. But did you at least manage to eat rice and chicken?"

"Anybody that eats rice these days is very lucky indeed, with a bag of rice now N20, 000. And you can't even be sure it is real rice. I learnt the market was flooded with plastic rice."

"Plastic rice? What does that taste like?"

"I guess like plastic. "

"Never heard of that. Plastic rice?"

"To be on the safe side, these days, I only eat Ofada rice. Local rice."

"All kinds of things happen during recession. Plastic rice.  Empty pockets."

"I know something about empty pockets, my brother. Imagine what I went through trying to get money from the ATM, two days to Christmas.  I went to about five banks, you'd think people were queuing for fuel, with everyone looking anxious."

"I know."

"One queue covered an entire street. When I eventually found an ATM and it was my turn, the machine just started blinking. I didn't know when I started shouting Blood of Jesus, Blood of Jesus."

"You should have planned ahead. I don't know why people have to wait till the last minute before withdrawing money. Nigerians should learn to plan ahead."

"I did. The ATMs misbehave a lot these days and they are always crowded."

"There is no money in circulation. I hear the Central Bank is broke. The banks are just managing."

"You have started, hen? How can the Central Bank of Nigeria be broke? For the past three weeks now, the spot price of crude oil has been over $50 per barrel. That's some good revenue."

"May be it is the banks that are broke then.  I just hope nobody has taken depositors' funds to go and invest in the MMM."

"What nonsense!"

"MMM was giving people better returns on their investments. Even bankers invested in the scheme. And now that the scheme has been frozen till January ending, there is panic everywhere. You would be surprised the kind of revelations that would come up if the profile of investors in the scheme is investigated."

"Nigerians are always looking for quick profit, but I don't believe that a bank will invest in MMM"

"Dey there. Look at the way special prayers, night vigils and deliverance sessions are being held over this MMM thing. Some churches are holding get-your-MMM-money-back prayer sessions, and when you attend those sessions, come and see crowd!  If that Ponzi scheme should crash eh, a lot of people will commit suicide."

"One man sold his only car and invested the money in MMM."

"I know. Some people sold their houses too."

"The MMM scheme is a comment on the Nigerian banking system. Obviously, Nigerians don't trust the banks and their miserable deposit interest rates."

"Tell me, did you invest in the MMM?"

"No. But I almost did. I know some people who made huge profits from it. I was still contemplating putting some money down to test the waters when the alarm blew."

"You are lucky, then."

"I guess every investment is a risk."

"I tried to make fun of some of my friends who invested in the MMM the other day. January 2017 has suddenly become the most important month in their lives.  The way they reacted, hen. I was accused of being insensitive and sadistic. I quickly shut up".

"So, what are your plans for the new year?"

"I have no plans yet. But I have been following what the prophets are predicting."

"You believe those predictions?  I just read them for fun. But this December, I have only read the predictions by Prophet Ayo Fayose"

"Prophet Ayo Fayose. Never heard of him. Which Christian Ministry does he lead?"

"The Ayo Fayose Evangelical Church of Yahweh, Iyana Jogunomi, Ori oke Ekiti-Kete."

"You are joking!"

"Yes, I am. But you mean you don't know that the Governor of Ekiti State is a prophet?. Every year, he also makes predictions about the coming year.  He has released his 2017 predictions"

"Seriously, is he also among the Prophets?"

"Uhn hun.  In his latest predictions, he talks about how the Holy Spirit directed him."

"I hear, though, that he has been anointed by Daddy G.O. Pastor Adeboye."

"Anointment comes from God. What happened is that Pastor Adeboye commended Fayose publicly for leading his people courageously and defending their interests."

"The APC won't like that"

"Daddy G.O is not a politician."

"But have you not heard that the Ekiti Chapter of the APC issued a statement to say that Fayose bribed Pastor Adeboye?"

"May the Holy Ghost slap the mouth of anybody who utters that blasphemy. The Bible says touch not my anointed. The Bible also says He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world.  The word of God is greater than politics. "

"The way you are carrying on, the APC in Ekiti will issue another statement to say you have also been bribed by Fayose.  Anyway don't worry, they have denied the statement. But the PDP in Ekiti has also issued a statement saying the denial is an after-thought.  Too much politics in that their Ekiti."

"Forget about them. But what did the Governor predict, if I may ask? You mean, he has so much free time on his hands; he is busy making predictions. In any case, many of these predictions are somehow. Anybody can predict Nigeria's future at anytime. It is always something like: I foresee a crisis in the Niger Delta. I foresee a change of cabinet. I foresee deaths in Nollywood. I foresee changes at the Central Bank. I foresee the emergence of a new political party…I foresee Donald Trump creating tension in the world.  Three prominent traditional rulers should pray against sickness and bereavement…. Common sense."

"Oh, oh."

"But how come no prophet predicted that Nigerian soldiers will capture Sambisa forest and drive out the Boko Haram or that a day after, there will be suicide bombing at a cattle market in Maiduguri? "

"Suicide bombing at a cattle market? What is the target?"

"No prophet foresaw the killings in Southern Kaduna and the waste of human lives or that a white man will be arrested inside Sambisa forest. You don't have to be a prophet to know tomorrow"

"Whatever." 

"We should thank God for everything and for the joy of surviving Christmas in a season of recession. We should also thank God we are not in Saudi Arabia, but in our country, Nigeria."

"What has Saudi Arabia got to do with Christmas? I don't get it."

"It is a crime to celebrate Christmas in Saudi Arabia. This year, seven Africans – 4 Nigerians, 2 Ghanaians, and one Kenyan were arrested in Saudi Arabia for playing Christmas Carols, they could be sent to jail for 10 years."

"What? For playing Christmas songs?"

"I understand there is even an Islamic cleric in India, Zakir Abdul Karim Naik who told Muslim brothers and sisters not to wish Christians Merry Christmas, because it is a "big sin, worst evil, worse than fornication or murder." What is the world turning into: A world of hate, bigotry and intolerance. Tell me it is not true. "

"It is true."

"Sad."

"Sorry about the fire accident at Nigerian Breweries in Lagos. I know you drink beer."

"If you want to talk about something else, do so"

"I am just concerned that there are too many fire accidents taking place these days.  When petrol tankers are not exploding on the highways, markets are being gutted by fire, companies and houses are going up in flames.  The Lagos State Fire Service reported for example that 45 markets in Lagos had fire accidents between January and September 2016 alone."

"The Fire Service should not moan. They need to do a lot more to educate the people about safety precautions and ensure that buildings respect the Fire Code. They also need to be better organized to deal with emergencies."

"The Fire Service in Nigeria is poorly funded."

"Harmattan. Dry season. The possibility of more fire accidents is high. The public should be sensitized all the same."  

"Most of the fire accidents are due to electrical faults, either faulty connections or power surge. We need a national safety programme to prevent fire outbreaks. Every market and major company should have a fire station. There should be fire hydrants across every major city."

"I'd just say that prevention is better than cure."

"Who is your Man of the Year, 2016?"

"Man of the Year. Who is yours?"

"Yours first"

"Let me see. I'll choose the Nigerian Soldier.  The Nigerian soldier is practically holding Nigeria together. He is underpaid, over-used, overstretched, denied access to equipment, and money and often subjected to the harshest possible conditions. Our soldiers are involved in one operation or the other across the country, protecting the country and even doing police work.  Operation Crocodile Tears, Operation Harmony, Operation Lafiya Dole, Operation Delta Safe, Operation Gama Aiki, Operation MESA, Operation Awatse, Operation Sharan Daji, Operation Maximum Security. From one region to the other, the Nigerian soldier is busy keeping Nigeria safe from kidnappers, terrorists, secessionists, oil bunkerers, cattle rustlers and extremists."

"Our soldiers have even been sent abroad to learn cattle rearing because their next assignment includes the management of cattle ranches. I agree with you. I salute their courage."

"And who is your own man of the year?"

"I'll choose the average Nigerian for the resilience, the capacity and the courage to suffer and smile at the same time". 

Reuben Abati

The Bidoung Challenge by Reuben Abati

Cameroonians got their chance of introducing into the syllabus of Comedy and Other Comic Forms (a subject I taught in my other career), what seemed like a variant of the domestic nature of humour and wit, when in the last week and more days,  they forced humour out of what seemed like an ordinary situation and added to the Ice Bucket Challenge and the Mannequin Challenge, what has become known internationally as the#Bidoung Challenge or the #CourberDosChallenge.

      While we were busy here disgracing the Super Falcons who won the Golden Trophy at the 10^th African Women Cup of Nations Championship Football Tournament (AWCON), by refusing to pay them their entitlements, and forcing them to take to the streets to advertise national shame and disgrace, the Cameroonians who came second in the tournament, were treated to a Presidential banquet and special romp with the President and his wife. It was a special occasion in sports whereby a silver medal was better rewarded than a gold medal and in this instance, an odd commentary on sovereignty and its priorities.