The bleaching, chameleon crowd by Reuben Abati

I wrote a piece recently, a tribute to the late veteran actress Bukky Ajayi and the multi-instrumentalist OJB Jezreel, in which I raised a number of issues, including how in Nollywood today, there is an obsession with the whitening of skin, an anti-Negritude yellowing, what I referred to as "the bleaching, chameleon crowd of Nollywood beauties." The various reactions to the piece conveniently ignored this subject; two young ladies who felt that I was probing an unpopular theme drew my attention to this. I was reminded that being light-skinned is now the in-thing, indeed the socially acceptable norm, because there is now a universalization of the concept of beauty and self-esteem.

      The more light-skinned you are, the more acceptable you are in various circumstances, that is. I thought if this was true, then it is a tragedy indeed for the black world. For, once upon a time in the history of the black race, being black was a thing of joy and an instrument of protest. When Jesse Evans gave the black salute at the 1939 Olympics, after winning four gold medals, he was making a racially loaded statement about black pride and achievement. Sojourner Truth, Rosa Parks, Frederick Douglass, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Elijah Muhammad, Muhammad Ali are key historical figures in the struggle for the black identity in the United States not to talk of various moments  and efforts culminating in the Obama phenomenon eight years ago.

All Protocol(s) observed by Reuben Abati

Nigerians love events and ceremonies.  The engine of governance in fact runs on this special fuel, which in many ways has become an occasional excuse for waste and idleness. I have in the course of work attended and compered many of such events; one thing that I find curious is the obsession with acknowledgements. If you are the compere at any typical Nigerian event, the organizers are bound to give you what they call a protocol list, usually a long list of persons whose presence must be acknowledged. You are also expected to recognize persons, especially if they are government officials, according to an established ranking order. 

     This means you can't recognize a Member of a State House of Assembly before a Member of the House of Representatives, and you can't "acknowledge the presence (as it were) of" a Minister before a Senator. Any slight mix up is likely to fetch you a reprimand and complaints about how you are such an insensitive compere who wants to ruin an event that had been so well planned. Getting the pecking social order right is not even enough, you must be politically correct when you deploy such egoistic phrases as Your Excellency, The Distinguished, The Most Honourable, Your Honour, Your Worship, My Lord, Your Grace, Your Eminence…Only God knows what these honorifics do to the Nigerian big man or big woman's mind. When you get it right, you can see the person actually believing the myth about he or she being so excellent, distinguished or honourable.  Some would even rise and wave to the crowd.

Nigerians and the failed Coup in Turkey by Reuben Abati

Turkey is about five hours away from Nigeria by air, about 2, 634 miles from here, but the night there was a coup attempt in Turkey, July 15, with soldiers shutting down parts of Ankara and Istanbul, you'd think Ankara is a city somewhere in Nigeria and Istanbul is an extension of our country. Commentaries kept flying up and down on Nigeria social media space, with the coup attempt in Turkey becoming a trending topic. And yet the strongest connection between Nigeria and Turkey is probably trade, tourism, socio-cultural affinities, and the fact that many Nigerian travellers now find it easier and cheaper to travel through Turkey to other European capitals, with Turkish Airlines making all the profit and no Nigerian airline on that route! Still, if Turkey finds itself in a bad shape, as it has, that is not likely to affect the already sorry fortunes of the Naira or the forbidding cost of food items in Nigerian markets. On Friday, many Nigerians stayed awake and projected their own worst fears unto the Turkish situation. 

Theresa May, Melaye and the Leader's Wife by Reuben Abati

"Have you been to Bourdillon? Or rather I should ask when are you going to Bourdillon?"

"What's happening?"

"I hear people are paying solidarity visits to the Tinubus to express their dismay over Senator Dino Melaye's assault on Senator Remi Tinubu, wife of the APC National Leader." 

"Assault?"

"That is precisely what it is.  Assault. Sexual harassment. Abuse. Threat of rape. Definite expression of intent to commit adultery and impregnate another man's wife."

"I read that story. I still find it difficult to believe that a distinguished Senator would descend to such level.  If that is the quality of reasoning among Nigerian parliamentarians, then the country is in more serious trouble than anyone could ever imagine."

"Dino Melaye has not denied the statements he allegedly made. And the Tinubu camp is on an offensive against him. I read a response saying if he carries out his threat, things will happen."

"Things should not only happen, I think every member of the National Assembly should undergo a psychiatrist test and a drug test."

Two Lives and other Stories by Reuben Abati

Two lives lost recently in the creative industry convey useful messages in terms of the import of their careers and the circumstances of their departure: the elderly actress, simply known as Bukky Ajayi, and the music entrepreneur, multi-talented artiste, producer and musician, Babatunde Okungbowa, popularly known as OJB Jezreel. Bukky Ajayi died aged 82, and she has been well mourned by the artistic community especially members of Nollywood who have described her as a role model, an iconic figure and a motherly figure to younger actors and actresses.

Many mourners have added that her death is shocking: every death in Nigeria is considered shocking ironically, even when the dead is as old as 100, or has been known to be terminally ill. In March 2016, when Bukky Ajayi received the Industry Merit Award at the Africa Magic Viewers Choice Ceremony, she was already wheel-chair bound and terminally ill. But I guess we are always shocked by death, because we always expect our loved ones to live forever. And 82-year old Mama Ajayi was truly a lovable figure. In a rich career that spanned 50 years, she proved her mettle as a talented and committed artiste. She started out as a television assistant, and later became a presenter, a producer of programmes a newscaster and an actress.

She would later attain fame as an actress when she began to feature in the well-known Village Headmaster. She also featured in Amaka Igwe's television series, Checkmate. Home video lovers further enjoyed her artistry and creativity in such movies as Mother of George, Diamond Ring, Witches, Thunderbolt, Elastic Light and Critical Assignment. In the course of her public career, she always encouraged younger artistes, appearing in their various works, musical and dramatic, including the video of Jess King Buga's anthem-like effort on Motherhood: "Mummy oh, oh, wa pe laye, mummy oh, oh, wa jeun omo, e niba ni ko ni ri be, a fo loju, a fo loju, a ko si enu trailer, a ku tu e." Bukky Ajayi lived long: hers was a fruitful life of achievement and as at the time of her death, she could indeed look back with joy.

Every young artiste would wish to be as durable and as continuously relevant as she was, but while the younger generation can certainly emulate her professionalism and commitment, there is one other lesson that many of those now mourning, especially the much younger female artistes can learn from her example: and it is a lesson about virtuous professionalism, humility and decency. I do not mean to be offensive, but I hasten to say that many of the younger actresses mourning Bukky Ajayi have missed out on one of her important achievements as a female public figure for about 50 years. Her life was completely without scandal.

I say this to draw attention to a growing concern in Nollywood about the persona of today's female actresses. There is a widespread impression that to be a Nigerian actress is to live an open, unhindered life, without moral boundaries. Very few actresses of the younger generation have been able to survive so far without scandals. They seem to have acquired for themselves a curious reputation as party boosters, serial baby mamas, husband snatchers, fortune-seeking, fortune hunting, occasional porn artistes, with the most notorious in this category better known for the manner in which they flaunt body parts rather than their talents.

Ambode and the Street Traders of Lagos by Reuben Abati

I am writing this piece after holding a series of conversations with Lagos street traders and hawkers who seem not be aware of or are just indifferent to, or may be they are intrigued by, the fact that the State Governor, Akinwunmi Ambode has declared on television that the state government is prepared to enforce an existing law banning street hawking. The relevant law, the Lagos State Street Trading and Illegal Market Prohibition Law, 2003 prescribes a punishment of N90, 000 or a six-month jail term, for both the buyer and the seller of any goods or services on the streets.  So I asked this vendor, who kept pushing copies of the day's newspapers in my face, so close, you wouldn't even be able to read the headline free of charge.

"My friend, are you aware that what you are doing is illegal? You never hear say Governor Ambode don ban street trading?"

"That one no concern vendor oh. Na these other people wey dey sell chewing gum and water dem dey talk about"

"No. Street trading is street trading.  You are hawking your newspapers, why don't you get a shop or a stand?"

"Make I open shop to sell newspaper? Na for inside traffic people dey buy newspaper, oga?'"

"I just hope they won't arrest you. The fine is N90, 000 or six months in jail."

"Oga, you wan buy paper? Which one you wan buy, I beg.  See, the thing be say, for this Nigeria, anytime wey anybody reach power, dem go just dey do wetin dey like. Dey no dey pity we poor people at all."

The Stolen Pot of Soup by Reuben Abati

"I am depressed, my brother."

"You are always depressed. I am actually used to that. I can't remember when last you were not choleric, depressed, obsessed, uptight, down-spirited, what's that your word again, yes, anxious. You better watch it, buddie-bae-bff-bros, stop carrying the world on your back, man. There was Atlas before you. There was Sisyphus. But the world has never stopped moving on."

"I read this story"

"What story?"

"Pathetic story about how right now in Ilorin, Kwara state, it is risky to leave a pot of soup on fire because it is most likely to be stolen. Armed robbers are now targeting pots of soup."

"Armed robbers? Not burglars?"

"I say armed robbers are now so hungry, even a pot of soup cannot be spared. I can give you the web link to the story."

"Give me the gist. The theft of pots of soup is definitely a crime of serious magnitude and should be a matter of urgent national concern. Pots of soup being stolen in Nigeria?."

"Let me read some excerpts from the story to you. "Amidst the stinging hardship occasioned by the present economic recession in the country, the spate of insecurity is rising and taking a tinge of the ridiculous by the day. In Kwara State, cooking a pot of soup is now an invitation to robbers, as cases of eagle-eyed hungry men absconding with cooked food still on the fire is a daily occurrence. The incident is widespread in areas without perimeter fencing and among women who cook or have opted to cook with coal pots. At each of such areas such as Tanke, Basin, Sango, Offa Garage, and Kilanko, the incident occurred according to The Guardian investigations, over five times in just a week…" 

"An epidemic of vanishing soup pots?"  

"Nothing can be more dehumanizing. To think that Nigerians can be so hungry and poor, they will begin to carry guns and machetes to steal pots of soup."

"Not cars. Not jewelry. Stomach first."

"My first reaction was to ask whether they even have a Governor in that Kwara State. Whoever the Governor is, he cannot provide opportunities for people in the state to be able to cook a pot of soup?"

"I hear the Governor like other Governors cannot pay salaries. The Governors are helpless. "

"But the Governors and their wives are eating from multiple pots of soup"

"Yes. Yes. Actually, if you ask me, I would say that the real crime of serious magnitude that we are talking about and that we should worry about is how the Governors and government officials have stolen the people's pot of soup. The armed robbers who go from house to house to collect pots of soup on fire are actually copying the big men."

"You are now asking me to decode something."

"It is not every pot of soup for example, that gets stolen.  The location is important. The opportunity is important. The content is all-important. And if you read that story you were quoting carefully, the soup snatcher monitors the soup. He waits till all the condiments are in, and he or she steals at the right moment.  It is the story of Nigeria. Sign of the times."

"I don't want to go that far.  I won't reduce Nigeria to a pot of soup. But I agree with you that only particular kinds of soup pots get stolen. Good point. Smart point. "

"Particularly if the pot of soup contains goat meat. You know goat meat can smell when combined with Maggi and Tomato. Tomato, these days, is expensive."

"Tomato with goat meat, perfect combination..Hmmm. Mua. Shuhhhh. Ahhhhh uuuu. I must tell you one secret about tomato today."

"What?"

"It clears the prostate. It contains carotene, which is good for the prostate, as an anti-oxidant."

"What has that got to do with soup snatching?"

"When you eat better tomato, and your prostate is very clear, I hear that your downstairs will function very well, and you can crack fire much better, upstairs and downstairs.  Combined with goat meat, ha, something else. And you know goat has a strong smell."

"Are we now a country of goat-meat chasers on fire?"

"I hear that even among the robbers themselves, who takes what part of the goat meat is a  serious issue. That was how one woman eventually found her pot of soup. A big fight broke out. And as the goat thieves quarreled over the pot of soup, the owner arrived and started screaming,, neighbours joined and everybody started screaming and the truth came out. "

"I think this country should just ban tomato and goat meat."

"I have not finished the story. In this particular woman's case, it was discovered that even her husband was part of the plot to steal the pot of goat meat."

"How?"

"The man wanted to play a fast one. He wanted to take the pot of soup to his second wife. Rob Peter,  please Paul."

"What? He should be castrated."

"But can I say something? This thing didn't just start oh. I think poverty is correctly defined as a disease.  Last year, there was actually an incident in Calabar about a man who was butchered and set ablaze because he robbed a woman of a pot of soup."

"Last year?"

 "Yes"

"We should check and be sure"

"Last year, in fact, in August 2015."

"August?"

"Yes, August 2015, after everything changed. The fellow and his group attacked a woman's home and stole her pot of soup.  As they rushed out, the woman raised an alarm, but the man with the pot of soup did not want it to spill, so he couldn't run as fast as the others, and that was how he eventually got caught and he lost his life. He was butchered and set ablaze."

"And there is a Governor in Cross Rivers State?"

"There is but let's spare the Professor. If you had lived in Calabar or Cross River State, you will know that a pot of soup is a serious source of temptation in that place. I mean, in Calabar, they don't just put goat meat, they add everything else on top, from periwinkle to snails, fish, and tomato."

"I feel like my sense of being human is right now under grave assault."

"Come to think of it, the destiny of Nigeria is about the pot of soup and its politics."

"Pot of soup? Well, may be. You know, I heard a story recently, about one of these face-me-I-face-you houses in Lagos where a pot of soup just as we have been saying disappeared from the general kitchen. The woman left the kitchen to attend to her suckling baby. Five minutes max. By the time she returned, her soup pot had vanished. The landlord had to summon a babalawo, a father of secrets, adibia, to identify the culprit and the punishment was meant to be open confession or instant death." 

"Sign of the times"

"Yes oh. But to be fair, there is hunger, poverty and a terrible food crisis across Africa, not just Nigeria. In Malawi, for example, the newly elected President has told his people to stop complaining about hunger. If the people are hungry, they should start eating mice and grasshoppers. 

"May that never happen in Nigeria."

"Well, if the people can't eat goat meat and tomato, they will opt for sub-human options. Even kerosene is now too expensive, ordinary people are now buying gas. And charcoal."

"And God you are on the throne"

"Please, don't blaspheme. This is a holy season."

" I know what I am talking about."

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"In Kano, I should tell you this. One man went to buy a bag of rice. He went along with his son.  He left that five-year old son behind, and promised to come back with the money. But he never showed up. He disappeared with the bag of rice.

"God. God. God Almighty. What happened?"

"When the shop owner waited and waited, he had to ask the boy for the way to his home.  Good enough, the boy is old enough. Eventually the father was traced to his home and he confessed that he was willing to give up the boy to have the bag of rice because he had no money to pay."

"What happened?"

"There are still good people in this country. The rice-seller donated the bag of rice and returned the boy to the father."

"God bless him. God bless him. God bless the rice seller. Great message. In this country, the strong must learn to help the weak. That is when we can have a country and a nation."

"Food For Thought, indeed. In the end, it is all about food, feeding the people, rescuing them from a life of danger and criminality or a resort to a menu of mice and grasshoppers, or carrying expensive AK-47 guns to steal pots of soup."

"People are dying"

"I know. Nigeria and the tragedy of broken pots."

"Stolen pots. Broken pots. Burnt pots. Oh, Nigeria. Chief Ojo Maduekwe. I hear, slumped at the airport on his arrival from the United States from his son's graduation, heading towards his wife's 70^th birthday.  Elechi Amadi, famous for the novels, The Concubines, The Great Ponds and his plays, Pepper Soup and The Women of Calabar has also dropped the pot. In Ojota, Lagos, a young hawker, pursued by LASTMA officials ran into the path of a moving trailer and was crushed, his intestines splattered all over the highway and there was pandemonium resulting in more deaths and destruction. "

"Man, you speak in parables and proverbs. Goat meat that caused trouble, deaths, broken pots and stolen pots."

"Those who have ears let them hear. Only God speaks to the people in parables and proverbs."

"I have faith. Nigeria will survive."

"Of course, I see people are beginning to padlock their pots of soup. I have seen pictures of padlocked pots of soup in this country. Even if you steal it, you'd make some effort to break it open. Smart housewives are saying they will never again leave the kitchen until the soup is done and ready to be served."

"Na wa oh, you mean we are now a country of sealed and broken pots."

Reuben Abati